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Essex and the Not so Single Girl


“Nine feet tall aliens and shrink-wrapped cheese sarnies”

Let me start by saying I love my boyfriend to bits. That said, like every man I’ve ever known, he has an obsession. He’s geeky about lots of things, actually, in an endearing kind of way, but ever since I’ve known him he’s been a bit of an avid reader of UFO websites and blogs. He loves a good conspiracy theory.

This isn’t a problem, it does make for some interesting conversations at times…but when he asked me a couple of months ago if I wanted to go with him to a Rendlesham UFO Conference in Suffolk, my immediate reaction was, “No”. I actually said I was quite happy for him to enjoy this geek-fest himself, although to be fair I don’t think I actually used the words ‘geek-fest’ at the time. But he looked a bit crestfallen and said he’d really like it if I went with him. I thought it might be OK, a couple of nights in a B&B, Suffolk coastal fresh air, pub lunches, you know, the girl version of ‘day at a UFO conference’. So I caved.

200 geeks and a community hall

I should have guessed when he said it was at Woodbridge Community Hall that it wasn’t going to be a swanky venue. Benefit of the doubt duly awarded, we checked in at the B&B, enjoyed a pleasant (and expensive) meal and retired to our room. It hit me what I might have let myself in for when I said, “Is it going to be 13 hours of people talking while we just sit there?”

The answer was “Ummm yes, I think so.”

Crap. My fears were confirmed. Plastic chairs, a projector and PowerPoint. It was like an office staff meeting! A 13 hour staff meeting!

Interesting UFO tales?

I decided to try and make the best of things I hoped maybe for some entertaining stories. The first speaker was cross. She was very cross because she’d been abducted by aliens when she was on holiday in Wales and nobody believed her.

We were less than an hour in and I was already so bored that I was attempting to do distance Reiki on my friend’s daughter. Smut Boy asked me if I was OK at that point. I must have had my concentrating face on.

I can’t remember much about the one before lunch.

It’s all closed

Woodbridge is closed on a Sunday. We did wander into town and find a pub that served food; we couldn’t do it in the allotted hour we were given for lunch so we missed the first half of an especially riveting lecture on crop circles, plasma something-or-others, electromagnetic forces and lots of physics I didn’t understand. At this point I was sulking. Where were the entertaining ‘I met an alien’ tales?

The next speakers were Rendlesham landing theorists. So they talked about nuclear bunkers, lighthouses, cover ups and stuff. I was mildly interested by the USAF serviceman who was there, he sounded plausible enough. I was looking forward to the ‘supper break’ though, until I realised there wouldn’t be enough time to get anything to eat because we had less than an hour, and missing the next speaker wasn’t an option as he was the one my beloved really wanted to see.

My bottom lip was in evidence as we trudged back to the plastic seats to make do with a cling-filmed cheese sandwich and an instant coffee for dinner. Not only that, but I Woodbridge was out to get me because I went to cross the railway line to investigate the (closed) Railway Cafe and jumped about a mile backwards when the ‘there’s a train coming’ alarms started beeping. Somebody thought this was hilarious. Clue: It wasn’t me!

It all gets very surreal

The last speaker we saw was worth the wait. A very well spoken gentleman called Timothy Good started by talking about alien landings, lights in the sky…and then the evening turned incredibly surreal when he started telling us that there were colonies of nine feet tall 400-year old aliens living underground. He showed us a picture of one. It just looked like a man in fifties clothes. Not sure where he’d get clothes to fit him if he’s over 9 feet tall, but apparently they are thousands of years more technologically advanced than us so I guess dressmaking’s not a problem. These ‘good’ aliens live among us, and some of them run big global organisations and are quite well known. Although they must be the short ones.

That wasn’t all. There are bad aliens too – these aliens are the naughty ones that abduct us. They are trying to create a hybrid race that will take over the earth by 2040. The good aliens are fighting the bad aliens on our behalf, but they need our help, even though they are so advanced. They’ve been teaching our top fighter pilots how to pilot their space craft!

That last hour or so was way more entertaining than any of the rest of the speakers put together. He was utterly convinced, and straight-faced, had impeccable credentials, but sorry, nine foot aliens? Not buying it, love!

The Boy said to me as we waited for the taxi, “You won’t come to another UFO conference ever again, will you?”

He was right.

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This entry was posted on July 11, 2012 by in Chatty, Essex and the Not-so-Single Girl, Reviews, What we're up to and tagged , , , .
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